I’m allowed to be grumpy right? I mean, it doesn’t happen very often…but I think it’s warranted. Without giving away too many details (as I don’t want to use peoples names or specifically describe the issue at hand that is going on), I will at least describe what I feel aside from being grumpy and why. You see, all my life I have experienced being over-looked or not being taken seriously or my opinions are considered invalid and simply disregarded and I don’t fight this. First off because I don’t have the vocabulary to fight it. When I was a child growing up I was often told to be quiet because I was hyper active and difficult to control, so people just didn’t have the energy for me so my words were often shushed…Eventually when one is told not to talk, I lost the ability to explain myself and was never very good at defending myself or sticking up for myself or voicing my opinion and thoughts with words. Paper became my solace. A place where I wouldn’t be told to be quiet, get cut off or be bull-dozed into a corner where my mouth would become dry and my mind blank.
It still happens. I’m fifty years old and as much as I try and have a voice, it is often disregarded, ignored or over-ruled and part of the reason I have discovered is because I think outside of the box and what works for the majority, often doesn’t work for me. I am not argumentive or defensive…just indifferent, because I see things differently…and that difference causes me trouble. I do not fit in with the ‘norm.’ Whatever that is. And I never will…and I guess I’m still not okay with that because if I was, then the circumstance that occurred today wouldn’t bother me so much.
I feel like I’m constantly going against the tide. Where people are concerned. Authoritative people. The ones in charge. The ones who call the shots. We don’t see eye to eye…and that bothers me. Makes me feel like I have to keep forging my own path, because I refuse to fight with them, yet…I want to move forward and it’s difficult, because it’s like I’m moving forward alongside the people in charge doing my own thing…with the goal of surpassing them only to look back and say “Well, once again…I had to do it my own way. It is too bad you wouldn’t support me on this journey because I think it would have been easier for me. But I did it anyway. Without you.”